may cause darkening of tongue

the essay that got me into Penn...

2007-05-30T23:48:27Z

(Note: the prompt was, "you have just completed your 300-page autobiography. Please submit page 217.")

217

I have to admit, up until this point I’ve made my middle-aged self seem like everything was coming up roses. This isn’t true in the least. There were weeds, plenty of ‘em that wound themselves around the good times. I flip back through my diary, and it always seems to end up on the pages where I decided to take one last stand:

“It’s been three days. Three whole days. It feels like it’s been three whole weeks. But no, just three sunrises, sunsets and the nights in between.

I thought I knew what I was getting myself into when I decided to quit. I asked my doctor during a routine physical two months ago about it, and he said that too many weren’t good for the system. “Your best bet, Chris, would just be to give them up entirely.” He made it seem that it would be easy as popping a Tylenol for a headache. Little did I know what was in store after I quit.

The one thing that really gets me is my hands. I really don’t think they know what to do with themselves anymore. They sit on the desk, sometimes lying in slumber, other times crawling around on five spindly legs. Often, they start rat-a-tat-tat-ing away like a couple of castanets. It might be a sign that I was destined to join a Mariachi band, but I’m not so sure.

Heaven help whatever long, thin object that they discover. Anything they sense with the width of a pencil is met with their fierce, gaping maws. Said object will be subject to twirling, flicking and rolling between any combination of five fingers. The must have started teething.

But I didn’t give it up for just myself. I gave it up for others, too. I know a lot of people can’t stand being around it. They move away, turn the other direction and the particularly zealous make sure I know that I see them when they gag. Often times I felt as though I wanted them to become nauseated. I’ve even come to the point where I hope they ban it in public places through legislation. Anything to give me more incentive to quit.

Writing in this journal is almost cathartic. It lets me vent my frustrations and helps me identify the things that might send me back into former routine. If I can keep things up, I will be able to overcome my cravings in no time.

Still, I could really go for a Q-Tip right now.

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2007-04-10T23:59:00

2007-04-11T04:37:59Z

I've been thinking again. Which is never a good sign.

I've wondered lately what the hell I'm going to do with my life. I keep seeing people that have known what they were going to do since third grade or whatever and they seem so certain of having a life enjoying what they are doing. I, on the other hand, have absolutely no clue about what I want to do. I wish I wish I wish that I could be one of those people - to have a passion so great when you are young and follow through with it later on in life. Honestly, my mind is blank in terms of career paths.

The problem is, I'm scared that once I do figure out what I want to do, I won't be able to do it because i haven't prepared for it earlier on in my life. What if I want to be an architect and I can't do it because I didn't major in architecture? Compounding that problem, I kind of want to live on the West coast - how the hell am I going to adjust there? I know absolutely nobody - how am I going to meet people?

I'm just so scared that my future won't turn out right because I'm not preparing for it correctly right now.

i need a hug.

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2007-04-09T16:15:00

2007-04-09T20:18:23Z

I just realized how close school is to ending. And how many papers I have yet to write.

Regardless, I was so excited today for some reason... I just kept thinking about Barbados and how i'm going to be there for the month of July. And how I have my internship in DC before that. This summer looks like it'll be an interesting one : )

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2007-04-01T15:08:00

2007-04-01T19:09:00Z

I had one of the weirdest evenings on Thursday night. It started at 7... I met Neah and her boyfriend at the Leafe for dinner (ok, mainly cocktails, because it was cocktail night). We made sure to sit in the section of this server that I sort of know from all my time spent at AEPi last year, because he just so happens to "forget" to card every time I'm there (wink wink nudge nudge). Regardless, things are going well... and three Manhattans later things are going GREAT. I get up to use the little boy's room when who do I spy but one of my favorite professors this semester - who we'll just call SB. Apparently there's an anthro outing or something tonight, which can only mean one thing - excessive drinking. I've heard that the entire department is a bunch of alcoholics, but they're fun alcoholics and that's what matters. I sit down and chat with SB (who is classily sipping on champagne) and I see one of my other professors (actually, the one leading the Barbados trip this summer - woo!). The bathroom's siren song is too captivating, so I excuse myself to use the facilities and then sit back down at my original table with everyone. SB decides to wander (err, stumble) over, which is pretty sweet. I've never seen a professor drunk before, so I am absolutely fascinated by this phenomenon. I'm really not sure what we talked about, but it was for a fairly long time. She also convinced Neah and others that she was crazy when she started screaming expletives about one particular a-hole of a coworker that she has - ha! Anyway, I think she realizes that she's acting fairly inebriated, and states that "It's ok... I have a long walk back to my car" to everyone at the table. The climax of her performance came when she notices that my drink has a cherry in the bottom of it.

SB - "So, Chris, how do you feel about that cherry?"
Me - "Umm... I'm rather impartial about it, would you like it?"
SB - "YES!!!" (grabs it and eats it, making a face b/c it has absorbed some of the Crown Royal)

[/evening]

The point, dear readers, is that I now have a phrase that I can rightfully repeat:

"My professor ate my cherry."

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2007-03-17T16:46:00

2007-03-17T21:43:02Z

I just had my Georgetown interview. It went fairly well - the guy was really nice, a bit old (perhaps "old school" is a more apt euphemism) and we talked about a whole lot of stuff. At first I was a bit hesitant (though not nearly as much compared to my other G-town interview two years ago) and I kind of blathered on about computational linguistics or something the that effect. I think you could hear the uncertainty in my voice, but it got better. He seemed impressed with the co-curricular activities that I had been doing (Crew - *cough*oops forgot to mention i'm taking the semester off from it*cough*, and the Student Environmental Action Coalition - especially the food co-op that i'm helping to start in Williamsburg). I didn't want to ignore telling him about my GPA - I explained my situation with Spanish and general lack of enthusiasm for it at WM. I made sure to note, however, that once I started taking linguistics classes (my major) that I got really motivated to succeed and even made the Dean's List last semester (3.7 baby!) so it raised my overall up quite a bit.

I've been thinking a lot, as well. I understand that I haven't really loved William and Mary much, and sometimes it seemed to me (and maybe others) that I was about to go over the deep end. I've been analyzing my past and I can almost pinpoint areas that have been a cause of grief:

   1. Antidepressents- These babies kind of set the mood (heh) for everything that started at college. Or should I say, the flatness of my first semester. I was on Effexor, which had been working for me for years beforehand, but the effect wasn't as drastic at that point. I really had no emotions at that point - other than depression. I alternated between periods of sadness and no emotion - there wasn't really anything that I could get excited about (except drinking, which was new and fascinating - yay college). I look back at my photography from that time and the majority of it is really dark and I would say "full of despair", but that would be too dramatic.
    I decided to dump Effexor that winter break. Headaches, nausea, dizziness and all the other awesome side effects were wonderful, and I started on Wellbutrin to lessen them. I came back to school bright and full of energy. I remember one of my friends asking me (during the second night that I got back) "Are you drunk?" - that's how much a difference it made. I'd love to say that it had a happy ending and that I'm still on it, but that would be a lie. Yes, it made me more active and dynamic, but it also had the effect of periods of extreme emotion. I would be on the verge of tears for absolutely no reason - the littlest things would set me off. It almost felt like I was bipolar. When I thought about it, I realized that there's a difference between acting happy and being happy.
    I was the former. The latter would take more than some pills.
I stopped Wellbutrin and decided that i would do it without drugs for a while. While I loved the energy that Wellbutrin gave me, I couldn't live with the havoc it wrecked with my emotions. I'm still not taking anything and I don't really think I've been off antidepressants long enough to know how I feel without them.

2. Crew- Oh boy. This is a good one. I naturally joined crew the semester that I started college - I mean, why wouldn't I? I loved the sport in high school and it kept me in shape. Plus, it would be a great way to meet new people. I hate to say this, but the only thing that it did for me was physical exercise. First semester was great - racing was fun and I loved being on the Chickahominy river (crazy beautiful - especially seeing the sun rise from the middle of the water). Social events were fun... meeting new people and stuff. Second semester, I couldn't help but feel that I was being alienated from the team. This might have been partly my fault (I'm not the best person on the team erg score-wise by any means) and perhaps I had sort of an inferiority complex and not deemed myself worthy enough to hang out with a lot of the guys. My deteriorating friendship with X might have also done it - it got to the point where I wished he would just quit because there was just this huge ball of passive-aggressiveness between us. It didn't help that everyone on the team loved X, and I began to disassociate myself with him (and those on the team that liked him). This past semester we got a new coach, and I think that's what put the nail in the coffin for me and the crew team. I didn't really like her, she was nothing like the old coach (who I adored, despite his weirdness) and was one of those people with "can-do" attitudes that makes you sick. I quite crew this current semester (I still haven't read the reply e-mail from my coach for my notice of resignation) and I felt guilty... but I felt that a lot of pressure had been taken off of me. I feel almost breezy compared to what I felt last semester and the semester before it.
    I don't really know if I felt a lot of this pressure because it was created by myself or by others (I'm guessing a little of both), but at first I was terrified to not be on the team. What would I do?
    Thankfully, I got a job at the student-run coffeehouse (<3) and now am pretty involved with SEAC... but there is still some naging feeling left about WM.

So, there's my past. I would love to go to school in the city (Philly or DC) and I know that Georgetown and Penn are supposedly better schools (moreso for the latter). I'm just nervous that I'm going to have a really hard time adjusting to life at either of them if I transfer. I would hate to go to either of them and make no friends... I've only got 2 years to do it. However, they have amazing Linguistics departments, which are much larger than WM and have many more courses by far.

I know that I would miss some of my friends at WM (Charlotte, Doug, Jamie, Liz - REALLY wish we had known each other sooner, Neah, Hank, Lewis, Dave) and others... but I guess sometimes you just have to make a change.

G-town... I'm worried that you're too goody-goody and snobbish, and Penn less so.

I guess, you just have to trust that you'll find people you like wherever you go?

I hope so.
I really hope so.

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2007-02-19T20:43:00

2007-02-20T01:44:06Z

I'm leaving this place, one way or another.

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2007-02-13T23:03:00

2007-02-14T04:44:24Z

I'm going to try one of those stream of consciousness things that sound like they'll be cool, but actually end up kind of boring.

here goes...

I'm sitting in the grind like always and i came here to do homework like always but then I never end up actually doing it only delaying it by people watching and listening to their conversations while i sip on green tea. The girls behind me are oh so loud and I do wish they would be quiet but it doesn't seem to be happening so i shift my focus on those in the corner playing scrabble. I think they're on a date because one is my friend from the crew team and the other is the roommate of another crew member and they have never hung out one-on-one which is scandalous. The girl has been constantly bouncing around different members of the crew team for about two years now, which makes me think that she probably shouldn't keep barking up the same social-group tree because she doesn't seem to find anyone worthwhile. It makes me think of my own situation of the crew team and the reasons why I decided to take a semester off and how I inexplicably feel oh so much better these days for lack of reason, other than it was slowly killing me. I now shift to the guy in the fur hat and heavy coat and how he complains that there are no jobs available in his chosen field and how the girl next to him scrunches up her face in disbelief with a cry of surprise that sounds just a little bit fake. fake fake fake fake is her adjective just like if holden caulfield were to describe her or everyone in general that is certainly not good to be so. The song changes to some popular song that people are now singing along to as they have countless times before and never tire because it's just one of those songs. Bass beats make the floor shake and I can't make out the words but it's one of those low rumbles that you can feel through your body but especially in the spot where your heart is if you haven't lost it yet. My fingers and head hurt as I type this right now but I continue to type and i feel like if i stop typing this creative spurt will end and i don't think i would want that really. The IM window blinks with new messages but i refuse to read them at expense of ruining this experiment of the present and i would hate to do so but now the desire to click it is very great so i shift my attention to the girl in the corner who sits reading with a stack of books piled high and a laptop open. I know this girl, I was introduced to her last year and she was one of those girls that is ever so eloquent because her mother was English and I do believe that she spent a great deal of time in England. She is one of those people that uses phrases like, well i cannot think of those phrases but believe me they do exist. In some ways I feel sorry for her because she seems too good for this world and I think that she deserves to be in someplace else other than southeast virginia. My coffee is becoming cold but I dare not stop as i can always reheat it later like i can reheat my life which has become frozen from the effects of williamsburg virginia waiting to spring back in action as soon as I get the hell out of here and start my life which will not be in southeast nor northern virginia. City life is for me. In the city oh how i would give anything to be in the city in a loft apartment that is not too expensive but not too cheap while pursuing my doctorate in some arcane field of acadamia while having someone that is constant someone that i can care for and them the same for me. my transfer application springs to my mind like some cure-all and i hope and i pray that i can transfer to a better place and that all this will be behind me and i hate how all this interferes with my stream of conscious writing that would be ever so nice had it not existed as a stain upon my existance. Oh, how i am enjoying this writing i must say that i do love it so. i feel so free and unrestricted like i can say anything and it all sounds so beautiful in my head and that somehow if i keep writing I will keep feeling this oh so wonderful feeling. I sense that this cannot go on forever however so I must come to a close but there are still some things that i must divulge. I sit here every day in the same chair with the same person and you would think that this consistency would be calming but i feel that it is not so. It is nice to have a place to go constantly though i feel like i rely on it oh so much so much that i am becoming stale or worse yet one of those weird coffee shop people. I even work here now that's how much time i spend here too bad i can only get paid for 6 hours that i spend here a week i spend 20 hours a week but only for 6 do i see any sort of compensation. I will not go to the library as the library is for those who just work work work all the time and while work is good you should not overthink anything that's what i've bee told even though i fall into that trap too many times. My mind grows tired and my temples slightly hurt and my eyes are starting to twitch so i think this is the end for now but it was enlightening to not have to think about the words one writes so to all i bid adieu and remember to not overthink things.

failure.

2006-12-13T00:14:46Z

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2006-12-02T18:37:00

2006-12-02T22:37:08Z

I don't know how this got into my mind, but I realized that I miss my grandma.

I wish she was still here.

why the heck am i writing fiction

2006-11-28T03:51:01Z

1.

     And at that point it hit him. “It” referring to “everything wrong that had happened during his post-secondary schooling”. “At that point” referring to the letter of one of his colleagues exploits in England for the year.

     And “him” referring to the 20 year old that was sitting at 12:13 AM in the kitchen of his dorm, writing a response paper that was going absolutely nowhere.

     Slumped on top of a cheap excuse for a wooden table (one of those plywood numbers with a thin layer of “real wood” atop), he stared at the various pots and pans that rested on the shelf above the sink. Some dirty, some clean, all in disarray. The countertop didn’t offer much of a visual spectacle either except for the four cans of breadcrumbs that ranged in flavor from “Original” to “Italian Style”. It all conjured up the image of some student fretfully trying to follow a recipe for veal parmigiana to impress his significant other with culinary skill, but resulting in some flavorless meal for the both of them. The air in the room smelled of two things – burnt Gruyère and failure.
     ‘There you are. I’ve been looking all over for you!’ a voice erupted from behind him.

     Judging by the heavy smoker’s rasp and the smothering scent of Chanel No. 5, it meant only one thing: Charlene. Stunned for a second by wave of odor that had just rolled in like a dense fog, he wondered aloud –
      ‘Charlene, do you have any sort of control when putting on perfume in the morning? You’re gassing me out here.’
      ‘Oh, c’mon, it smells nice,’ she said. ‘Plus, the price was right.’
      ‘The only “price” that you paid,’ he muttered, ‘was the asbestos you inhaled when you found that smelly old bottle in your grandmother’s attic. I’m pretty sure it’s turned into vinegar by now.’

     She let out a small sigh that seemed to say ‘you just don’t get it’, something she happened to do more and more nowadays. Charlene had come to the conclusion a little while ago that it was useless arguing with him; his hard-headedness that developed during late-night writing sessions was impenetrable.

      ‘What are you here for, anyway? Don’t you have some thrift store to be shopping at? Or writing some artsy song that sounds like a dying cat being dragged across a chalkboard?’ he said this second part a bit quieter.
     ‘Nice to see you, too. For your information, I’m here because of you. And the fact that the only thing you do is work. And that’s just not fun.
     ‘And that’s just about enough out of y-’

Charlene didn’t let him finish. She yanked him by the arm, flung open the creaky door and pushed him out into the hall.

‘Get your coat,’ she commanded. ‘I have something to show you.’

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2006-11-02T22:47:00

2006-11-03T02:47:24Z

so yeah. I sent in a transfer application to Cornell.

I'm not even sure that I would go if I got in.

Just in case, I guess.

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2006-09-18T23:54:00

2006-09-19T03:55:09Z

it's going to get better. it has to.

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2006-09-14T00:47:00

2006-09-14T04:57:13Z

I wanted to start this year off right. I wanted it to be great. I was a lot happier right before I came here and thought this year would be much better if I would just have a brighter outlook on things.

shot down. The first time I'm actually fucking direct with someone I get along with.

it hurts.
I guess I'll get over it.

But then again...why is it so important for me to assure you, that while I’m expressing the truth of my despair, that I am also fine, really. It’s like–I don’t want pity, and I don’t want help. I don’t want someone to assume that because I have pain that I’m somehow less, less strong or less able. Why do we assume that pain makes someone damaged?

...I want mostly to be understood. I want someone to say YES–I get it, I am both of those too. I can be happy with life, excited about the prospect that I have so much to live for. And I can also fall into periods of sadness and yes, pain.

Are people just afraid that feeling pain will cause them to be vulnerable?

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2006-09-11T19:49:00

2006-09-11T23:51:22Z

my feelings right now. I haven't felt this bad in a very long time.

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2006-09-02T22:24:00

2006-09-03T02:28:28Z

i'm not sure why this struck me as beautiful

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2006-06-17T17:06:00

2006-06-17T21:07:05Z

i swear, i never normally do this

You Are Kermit

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know.
You're a big thinker, and sometimes you over think life's problems.
Don't worry - everyone know's it's not easy being green.
Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!

The Muppet Personality Test

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2006-05-14T12:52:00

2006-05-14T17:18:59Z

(WARNING: idealistic thought overload)

So, Dad Vail Regatta was this weekend. For those of you inclined to inquire about the success rate of my boat, we came in third in preliminaries and... dead last in semi-finals. Needless to say, I had a really fun time just walking around with Martha.

Yet it was also a revelation. I realized something:

I would much rather be in a school in Philadelphia than a school in Virginia.

To me, it just seems like there's so much more to do and see and an exponentially greater possibility of personal growth. It's a beautiful area also, with enormous parks within the city limits and a picturesque river complete with rustic stone bridges. Not to mention about 8 schools within a 15 mile radius...

I dunno. It just seems to me that everyone else had a wonderful, amazing, perfect first year at college that was "so much fun!" and made tons of great new friends.

...I would love to have said that about my freshman year here, but that would be beyond optimistic. Not that it was a bad experience or anything, but it just came off kind of 'meh'. True, I did crew all year and have hung out with them all the time, but it feels like I haven't really made any deep personal connections with any of the rowers.

This past semester my roommate and I had gotten a lot closer than in the beginning of the year. I'm kicking myself for not getting to know him better earlier on. He's such an awesome guy, with an awesome upbeat personality.
...he was bumped from the housing lottery, meaning there's no way we can room together next year.

Coupled with the fact that the guy I've been seeing for the past month is being forced by his parents to transfer to Boston College next year, it's all just kind of coming out as "Why the heck am I here?".

Maybe I'm just thinking about Philly as some promised land where everything will be better.

The one word that I'm trying to keep out of my mind these days is stagnation.

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2006-04-16T11:28:00

2006-04-16T22:39:20Z

so I haven't really posted much about what i've been doing at WM. Soooooooooooooooooooooo I've decided to make a sampler montage of some events.

under $5 dollar prom

Busch Gardens

Florida spring training trip (and hanging out with friendly ducks... but don't try to hug them)

Initiation (I do not remember this picture, nor the second half of the night at all... seriously.)

showering in a group after random foam party... gee, we look sober

this actually was a lot shorter than I thought. but then again it was just a sampler.

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2006-03-09T17:38:00

2006-03-09T22:44:01Z

broadcasting live from beautiful Augusta, GA...

So yeah, it's spring break and I'm here rowing. Practice twice a day. Woooo

I'm staying in a sketchy motel, in a sketchy area and surrounded by sketchy people. The motel is known for drug deals and prostitution, as stated by the police officers that sometimes come around. The pool is closed and green, leaving Wal-Mart as the only form of entertainment.

But it is a nice Wal-Mart...

The point is, I miss all of you in Northern Virginia.
And I wish I were home so I could see you guys.

But now I gotta go. Ruby Tuesday's tonight will be the highlight of the week.[

I can almost taste that salad bar.

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2006-02-09T19:14:00

2006-02-10T00:16:37Z

So the caf decided to have one of their theme nights. Generally, the food is pretty darn good, but this time I think they went a bit too far...

The official theme was "A Night Full of Love".

Now, I might just have my mind in the gutter, but

Fish Taco + A Night of Love = somewhat disturbing in my mind

heh.

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2006-02-07T21:23:00

2006-02-08T02:24:20Z

I'm toying with the idea of transferring.

but to where?

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2006-01-26T12:10:00

2006-01-26T17:15:41Z

So I've decided that I'm not going to play the role of the existentially anguished prince anymore.

Um, I guess this should be considered a belated new year's resolution.

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2006-01-22T17:32:00

2006-01-22T22:35:10Z

Yesterday I smiled at a stranger.

I can't remember the last time I did that.

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2005-12-09T00:26:00

2005-12-09T05:26:57Z

i was in the library all day

i drew a representation of my emotions:

hypnotizedbyfyr @ 2005-11-16T20:38:00

2005-11-17T02:02:04Z

I really just don't know what's happening anymore.

Any event that I look back upon seems miles away. A blur.

A shimmer?

Life is happening too fast.
And it's tiring me out.

crew has really been tiring me out, too. winter conditioning is starting, meaning no water practice.

i really liked watching the sun rise while out on the water...